guillotine1974

interesting

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 19:57:19 GMT

so hmm... where do I start, I was just thinking about well life I suppose, where I have ended up where my friends and family are, lives I have affected, ones that i still do affect and ones that are now lost to me. The ones that are lost to me i guess, are part of a story or a memory, we all had our time and the time ran its course good or bad, they will never read this so i guess it dosnt matter what I say on the subject. all the past relationships, lovers, girlfriends, wife, we were a learning experience for the other, some bittersweet,. some just bitter cold. my real friends have always been here even if we have grown apart I hope to know them still in twenty or thirty more years. my family mostly have been my friends and my family well i love a few members, mostly my dad. I really dont know where my life is going or whats going to happen next or if the world will end in 2012 the day before one of my daughters 18th b-day (Damn that would suck!!) but I do know a few things... I have a beautiful caring women even if she refuses to believe me. I have daughters that I love and am very proud of even though they are trying to grow up to fast. I have kids that are not mine but I consider them my own ( a few god kids too!!) I have my best friends, my dogs, and a truck that not only is the same year as me but reflects my personality! (ya know kind of old ruff around the edges got some issues but got a good motor lol)

I dont know why I felt the need to write this But I did, I walk by people every day that I knew from grade school and middle school but never say hi, hell for that matter I walk by relatives who look me in the face and dont know who I am. I am ok with this, there is a reason for this.. the people that are in your life now are in your life now because they are supposed to be there now. the people who are not there anymore are not there because it is no longer there time to be there. I say none of this with a sad or heavy hart, it is just the way of things. I just hope that if one day I become just a part of a story or a memory that its a smile. thanks :)

Skip

where I am

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 06:47:07 GMT

where I am is less than knowing, I sit not knowing my path but knowing what I should do.
holding tight but loosing my grip.
not knowing whats next, but expecting something to test me.
wanting to scream but I am silent.
want to fight, but afraid I will kill..
wanting to cry but cant.
fighting but can never win.
falling but will never fall.
finding myself wanting.
wanting.

starting to feel

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 08:41:36 GMT

tonight I erased everything, I erased 45 "friends" I really only cared about 8. I didn't want to erase them I wanted to erase me, if they are my friends they will come back if not then well I guess they didn't understand me at all in the first place. tonight I don't care tomorrow I
might, today I want to be left alone its hard for me to believe you are my friend when all you come to me with is your problems never your joy or happiness, just your suffering and want me to fix it if just for the moment, to tell you its ok it will be better, never wondering about my pain. I feel like a band-aide for a severed arm, i cant stop your hemorrhaging. I am starting to feel too much and I don't like it.
E.R.B.

just here

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 06:20:42 GMT

I am just here thinking about lost time future events, and wondering if I would have done this

or if I had changed that where I would be, how my life would be different, there is a reason that

I am here now, a reason I endured the pain that I have, that I have loved who I have and and

lost who I have. although my life and my outlook has changed I am still me different but the same.

I have love that lingers as well as some regrets some tearful moments as well as smiling ones,

there are reasons that I am the way I am and why. in my life I have learned to bleed, heal, love,learn

hate, forgive, fall down, and get back up, cry and move on. we all have scars to bear, if we don't learn to move

past them we are bound to them, and will never move on and are set to harbor the pain. for now I am here,

just here, trying to live.

not mine

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 05:54:51 GMT

Each smallest act of kindness reverberates across great distances and spans of time, affecting lives unknown to the one whose generous spirit was the source of this good echo, because kindness is passed on and grows each time it’s passed, until a simple courtesy becomes an act of selfless courage years later and far away. likewise, each small meanness, each expression of hatred, each act of evil.

-this momentous day, H.R. White

I thought it was a great passage

The Hardest Thing

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 05:50:39 GMT

The hardest thing I have had to do is let love go, to understand a broken love that cant be recovered or mended to finally not claw at its reminiscent remains, to know that it will fade, get better with time, be ok, find someone one day that is strong enough to walk next to are all things that have been said that will happen, and its still hard to accept that it is really done, that you have to see things for what they really are and accept that you cause your own suffering and move on and close this chapter of your life. is truly angering that it feels as if you were robbed of a destiny. the dust in my mind will settle one day and i know we choose our path but I don't have to like it I just have to accept it and hope that the love I had is protected and loved better than I could and endures all hardships, because life is unfair and unforgiving, to accept this is my battle.

5:19 am

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 12:38:09 GMT

one of those nights again just me, waking up too early for no reason what so ever,

been awake for a few hrs now, my mind is busy about nothing perhaps the day ahead

mabey days past, I don't know, Im not really lonely but im not real content. not upset but not

completely at peace, talked to some friends missed some others, the sun is coming up,

I can hear the bird starting to sing already, too much to do today to be awake at this time

think i need to go back to bed, im babbling like an idiot, drink some water smoke a cigarette

hopefully this help slow my mind so i can return to sleep.

Do you

Fri, 30 May 2008 06:00:08 GMT

Do you really?

Do you care or is this it is this all I have left to bring out?

is this all?

what?

oo shit its me

damn not again

just writing

Tue, 20 May 2008 13:30:10 GMT

It is way to early and I am awake again, a good nights sleep is a hard thing to come by these days for me. no friends to talk to at this time of the day in any time zone, check all my e-mails all my messengers no ones there no one wrote, just me staring at this screen wondering what to write to every one and no one, wondering what went wrong in my life and what went right, the nightmares don't bother me all that much they just wake me up and keep me from a full nights sleep. I went to sleep hearing the rain outside, and woke to screaming in my head and a vision of a lost love, was that more time wasted or lessons learned, or possibly still learning. most, at least I, when left with with no one but my own self to talk to, am not very good company. maybe
I hold onto feelings or thoughts that I should not hold onto