so hmm... where do I start, I was just thinking about well life I suppose, where I have ended up where my friends and family are, lives I have affected, ones that i still do affect and ones that are now lost to me. The ones that are lost to me i guess, are part of a story or a memory, we all had our time and the time ran its course good or bad, they will never read this so i guess it dosnt matter what I say on the subject. all the past relationships, lovers, girlfriends, wife, we were a learning experience for the other, some bittersweet,. some just bitter cold. my real friends have always been here even if we have grown apart I hope to know them still in twenty or thirty more years. my family mostly have been my friends and my family well i love a few members, mostly my dad. I really dont know where my life is going or whats going to happen next or if the world will end in 2012 the day before one of my daughters 18th b-day (Damn that would suck!!) but I do know a few things... I have a beautiful caring women even if she refuses to believe me. I have daughters that I love and am very proud of even though they are trying to grow up to fast. I have kids that are not mine but I consider them my own ( a few god kids too!!) I have my best friends, my dogs, and a truck that not only is the same year as me but reflects my personality! (ya know kind of old ruff around the edges got some issues but got a good motor lol)
I dont know why I felt the need to write this But I did, I walk by people every day that I knew from grade school and middle school but never say hi, hell for that matter I walk by relatives who look me in the face and dont know who I am. I am ok with this, there is a reason for this.. the people that are in your life now are in your life now because they are supposed to be there now. the people who are not there anymore are not there because it is no longer there time to be there. I say none of this with a sad or heavy hart, it is just the way of things. I just hope that if one day I become just a part of a story or a memory that its a smile. thanks :)
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- Mood:
peaceful
holding tight but loosing my grip.
not knowing whats next, but expecting something to test me.
wanting to scream but I am silent.
want to fight, but afraid I will kill..
wanting to cry but cant.
fighting but can never win.
falling but will never fall.
finding myself wanting.
wanting.
- Mood:
restless - Music:tori
might, today I want to be left alone its hard for me to believe you are my friend when all you come to me with is your problems never your joy or happiness, just your suffering and want me to fix it if just for the moment, to tell you its ok it will be better, never wondering about my pain. I feel like a band-aide for a severed arm, i cant stop your hemorrhaging. I am starting to feel too much and I don't like it.
E.R.B.
or if I had changed that where I would be, how my life would be different, there is a reason that
I am here now, a reason I endured the pain that I have, that I have loved who I have and and
lost who I have. although my life and my outlook has changed I am still me different but the same.
I have love that lingers as well as some regrets some tearful moments as well as smiling ones,
there are reasons that I am the way I am and why. in my life I have learned to bleed, heal, love,learn
hate, forgive, fall down, and get back up, cry and move on. we all have scars to bear, if we don't learn to move
past them we are bound to them, and will never move on and are set to harbor the pain. for now I am here,
just here, trying to live.
been awake for a few hrs now, my mind is busy about nothing perhaps the day ahead
mabey days past, I don't know, Im not really lonely but im not real content. not upset but not
completely at peace, talked to some friends missed some others, the sun is coming up,
I can hear the bird starting to sing already, too much to do today to be awake at this time
think i need to go back to bed, im babbling like an idiot, drink some water smoke a cigarette
hopefully this help slow my mind so i can return to sleep.
Do you care or is this it is this all I have left to bring out?
is this all?
what?
oo shit its me
damn not again
It is way to early and I am awake again, a good nights sleep is a hard thing to come by these days for me. no friends to talk to at this time of the day in any time zone, check all my e-mails all my messengers no ones there no one wrote, just me staring at this screen wondering what to write to every one and no one, wondering what went wrong in my life and what went right, the nightmares don't bother me all that much they just wake me up and keep me from a full nights sleep. I went to sleep hearing the rain outside, and woke to screaming in my head and a vision of a lost love, was that more time wasted or lessons learned, or possibly still learning. most, at least I, when left with with no one but my own self to talk to, am not very good company. maybe
I hold onto feelings or thoughts that I should not hold onto
I hold onto feelings or thoughts that I should not hold onto
- Mood:awake
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guillotine1974- guillotine1974
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